Parenting is one of the most beautiful—and humbling—journeys we can go on.

And then there are the meltdowns.

The refusal to cooperate when we’re already late. The sibling fights. The moments when our kids push every button we have and we find ourselves thinking, “What is happening right now?”

There is no one-size-fits-all instruction manual for raising kids, especially in a world that’s changing as quickly as ours is.

That’s why I loved this conversation with Dr. Laura Froyen, a family therapist and child-development specialist who brings together research, family therapy, and trauma-informed practices to help parents create more peace, connection, and understanding at home.

Our conversation went much deeper than simply talking about how to “handle” challenging behavior.

We explored what might actually be happening beneath the surface.

Look beneath the behavior

One of my favorite ideas Laura shared was to think about children’s behavior like an iceberg.

What we see—the meltdown, the hitting, the refusal, the yelling—is only the visible part.

Underneath it might be exhaustion, hunger, overstimulation, stress, separation anxiety, frustration, or a need for connection.

A child who melts down after school may be having a completely different experience from a child who melts down after a relaxed Saturday afternoon.

The behavior may look identical on the outside, but the story underneath can be very different.

That simple shift—from “How do I stop this behavior?” to “What’s happening underneath this behavior?”—can completely change how we respond.

Regulate yourself first

When our kids’ nervous systems are dysregulated, it’s incredibly easy for ours to become dysregulated too. And once we’re both escalating, everything gets harder.

Laura’s advice is simple: slow down, breathe, and regulate yourself first.

Before reacting, ask yourself:

What matters most to me right now?

Maybe you’re already late. Maybe your child isn’t getting dressed. Maybe you’re on your third reminder.

But is winning that particular battle more important than the relationship you’re building with your child in that moment?

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is step out of the urgency and reconnect.

Connection and play can change everything

Laura gave some wonderfully practical examples of how to bring connection into difficult moments.

If a young child is resisting getting ready for school, instead of escalating the pressure, we might bring some play into it. Maybe their shoe becomes a hungry monster that wants to eat their foot. Maybe we hop like bunnies to the car. Maybe we simply acknowledge that leaving a parent and going to school can be hard.

Kids are kids. Their need for play, imagination, movement, and connection isn’t something we have to overcome. It can actually become part of the solution.

Big feelings don’t need to have a “big enough” reason

Laura shared a beautiful story about her daughter losing a balloon when she was very young.

As an adult, it’s easy to think, “It’s just a balloon. We can get another one.”

But for her daughter, it was one of her first experiences of loss and grief.

Our kids are experiencing many emotions for the first time. Something that seems small to us can be enormous to them.

We don’t have to agree with the size of their reaction to recognize that their experience is real.

With siblings, be a coach—not a referee

We also talked about sibling conflict, which brought up some memories from my own childhood.

When siblings are fighting, it’s tempting to become the referee: figure out who started it, decide who’s right, punish whoever crossed the line, and move on.

Laura offered a different approach.

Be their coach.

Step in when things are escalating. Separate them if necessary. Listen to each child’s perspective. Validate the feelings underneath what happened while still holding clear boundaries around behavior.

For example:

“I understand why you were angry when your brother knocked over your Lego creation. You worked really hard on that. But I can’t let you push him. Let’s figure out another way to keep your Legos safe.”

That’s a powerful distinction: we can validate the feeling without approving the behavior.

And sometimes the solution isn’t about changing the child at all. Maybe the Lego builder needs a protected space where younger siblings can’t access their creations.

We’re not just trying to stop the fight in front of us. We’re trying to protect the relationship between these kids for the long term.

We don’t have to be perfect parents

Laura shared a story about having one of those days where her own window of tolerance became incredibly small. Life was piling up, and suddenly the little things that normally wouldn’t bother her were enough to make her snap.

And honestly, we’ve all been there.

Knowing all the parenting strategies in the world doesn’t make us immune to being human.

We’re going to get overwhelmed. We’re going to lose our patience. We’re going to react in ways that don’t reflect the parent we want to be.

The answer isn’t shame.

It’s repair.

Acknowledge what happened. Apologize. Take responsibility. Reconnect. And, importantly, show our kids that we’re actually working to do something differently.

There’s something incredibly powerful about letting our children see that adults don’t have everything figured out either.

Repair is a skill we can teach our kids

One of the most meaningful parts of our conversation was the idea that our mistakes can actually become opportunities to teach.

We can say:

“That was about me, not you. You didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way. I’m sorry. I’m working on how I handle those moments, and here’s what I’m going to do differently.”

That’s very different from saying “sorry” and then repeating the same behavior tomorrow.

True repair involves accountability and action.

And what a beautiful thing for our kids to witness: that relationships can have ruptures, and that we can find our way back to each other.

Being Intentional With Technology

We also got into one of the biggest challenges facing parents today: technology.

I’ve been intentional with my own son around screens from a young age, particularly around the difference between creating and consuming. I want kids to be able to use technology as a tool for creativity, learning, and contribution—but also to develop the ability to be present in the real world without constantly needing stimulation.

Laura and I talked about the importance of helping kids develop that intentionality rather than simply making technology the automatic answer to boredom or discomfort.

Sometimes what a child needs is a screen.

Sometimes they need to move their body.

Sometimes they need to draw.

Sometimes they need to rest.

Sometimes they need connection.

The goal isn’t necessarily to eliminate technology. It’s to help our kids develop enough awareness to ask themselves:

“What do I actually need right now?”

An Experiment You Can Try Today

Laura shared one of my favorite practical exercises from the conversation.

Grab a piece of paper and make two columns:

Positive interactions | Negative interactions

Then simply keep tally marks throughout the day.

Don’t try to fix anything yet.

Just notice.

Laura talked about the commonly cited 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in healthy relationships. If your family is currently experiencing a lot of conflict, you might discover that the ratio is going in the opposite direction.

And if that’s the case, the first intervention doesn’t necessarily have to be eliminating all the negative interactions.

Instead, ask:

Where can I create more positive ones?

Where can we play?

Where can we laugh?

Where can I give my child positive attention without asking them to do anything?

Where can we connect?

Sometimes simply becoming aware of the pattern begins to change it.

The Bigger Conversation

What I took away from this conversation with Laura is that parenting isn’t about finding the perfect technique that will make our kids behave exactly how we want.

It’s about learning to see more deeply.

To look beneath the behavior.

To understand the nervous system.

To hold boundaries without disconnecting.

To give our kids room to have big feelings.

To protect their relationships with each other.

And to give ourselves permission to be human, too.

We’re all carrying our own childhood experiences, conditioning, stress, and expectations into parenting. And we’re doing our best to figure this out while raising little humans in a world that’s changing incredibly fast.

We’re going to get it wrong sometimes.

The beautiful part is that we can repair.

We can come back to ourselves.

We can come back to our kids.

And we can keep practicing.

That, to me, is what empowered parenting looks like.